The Remaking

I've heard it said that grief changes shape but it never ends. Truer words have never been spoken. You've heard of gifts that keep on giving? Well grief is the heart that keeps on breaking. Nearly two years in and I'm still surprised at all the facets to it. There are so many things I grieve for my husband. Life changed when he died. Like a bomb that exploded and all of the pieces of what once was were gone in an instant. 

I miss his love. 

I miss his friendship. 

I miss our talks. 

I miss our laughs. 

I miss our life. 

There's also the new roles my life took on when he died.

Sole provider for our family. 

Sole caretaker of our home. 

Sole parent of our children. 

Everything rises and falls on me. That's a lot of responsibility. It's hard to bear the weight of so many things that you've now become while still grieving so many things that once where. 

That's the hard part of grief. So many  adjustments all at once. Nothing is as it was. You plan a life with someone, all your hopes and dreams, and then they are gone in an instant. 

Another difficult part is walking your children through it. You are going through your process but so are they. Sometimes the two collide and kick you right in the gut. 

For example, there's days when I'm really missing Joel. Well, that's every day. But some more than others. Then there will be a moment where Milo comes in the room. 

"Mommy, I'm going to start a rock collection because I want to collect stuff just like Daddy did."

And those are the moments that about bring you to your knees. 

Small and simple, but full of emotion. 

Because you miss your husband so much. 

And your son misses his Daddy so much. 

You hurt for yourself but you hurt for your child at the same time, sometimes even more than for yourself. 

All that to say when you lose one person you don't just lose one thing. You lose a myriad of things. 

You lose everything you had and everything that will never be. 

Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life. ~Anne Roiphe 

The hard part is remaking a life when you still wish you had the one you had. Yet you can never go back, as much as you would give anything in the world to do so. 

I believe grief is forever. Not necessarily in full force, but in the little aspects that no one thinks of. 

Last night I crossed a street with my son holding his hand. He told me how much he loved me. I told him the same. I told him how much fun I had just being with him. And that the only other person I've ever loved that much is his Daddy. Then the tears rolled down my face.

All of that, simply in crossing a street. 

Joel's life will always be the thing we want the most, but none of us can have on this earth. So therefor, as we move forward, we do it with a gaping hole. 

The void. 

The missing piece. 

Yes it has gotten more manageable, but it doesn't go away. 

He will be gone forever on earth, so we will forever grieve on this earth because of it. 

I could write a million inspirational things about being so thankful that death was defeated and our goodbyes are not forever. I believe those things deeply and have said them all before. 

But it doesn't always change how hard a day can be. Or how hard the road we walk is. How I wish we never had to walk it at all. 

It's the scar we live with. Marked forever by its presence. Our pain a reminder of our love.   *Love reading this blog? Let's be friends officially! I can come right to your email Inbox. All you have to do is hit the follow button to your left. Thanks for following along on our journey, new friend.