The Now But The Later

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine who was asking how I have been enjoying our break from chemo for this cycle. I thought about it for a moment. That is when I realized something that I had been feeling but hadn't put into words. I was enjoying the break from chemo. Yes, we have been really busy with tests & doctors appointments & such but it was a different kind of busy. Even though we have had a lot to do we have been doing it with Joel feeling relatively well. He hasn't had nausea, his blood counts have been stable, his mood has elevated. It almost, almost makes you remember life "pre-cancer". The more of a taste I get of it the more that I am wanting to get back to that more normal place. Which brings me back to why I have felt so conflicted about this time off. Because it is just a tease-a few weeks span of where you long to be-only to take it right back away from you. I got home & told Joel about the conversation with my friend. He admitted that he had felt exactly the same way & that the closer we get to going back to that place the more the sadness sets in. It is all a part of the process we know. Still it is amazing to me that we were both working through & processing the same feelings-both understanding all at once that they were one & the same. I know that the next cycle will be the halfway point & that is amazing. But it also means that we have to do the first half of this process all over again & that is a lot to take. It never ceases to amazing me the different levels of emotions & issues you have to work through in this journey. We head back to Houston again next week. Joel will have his CT scan, that checks for spreading, & we will be given our new chemo plan. He had a doctor's appointment today with our doctor at OU Medical. That appointment is more of an appointment just to touch base-since all of the big stuff is taken care of in Houston. Joel's next chemo treatment will either be the Monday after we return from Houston or the Tuesday. It all depends on how quickly they can get the new medicines together that our MD Anderson doctor's prescribe. Overall, getting orders from MD Anderson but having them executed here has worked out pretty well. But it has taken A LOT of coordination on our part working as the go-between for both hospitals. We still look at it as worth it if it means we can stay here in Oklahoma to do his treatments.

Some of our dear friends had their 2nd child today-a baby boy. It was really neat that we got to go to the hospital to visit them because normally that would all depend on Joel's blood counts & normally we tend to avoid places where sick people congregate. It gives us a glimpse of normalcy for the future but for now we were just appreciative to get to have the moment with our friends. Below is a picture of me with baby Cash & big sister Cooper. We love them to death. Congrats Anthony & Heather-love you guys.

Thanks everyone for checking in on us. We love ya!

Sarah