So let's talk about cancer-just some thoughts. As much as I enjoy posting little tidbits of our lives and what we have been up to I have to always bring it back to why I started this blog in the first place. It started as us talking about our life as we were walking through cancer and now it has turned into us talking about our life as we try to move past it. Here's the real truth: you won't ever get past it. As much as we try to not let cancer define us-it has definitely marked us. Life is never the same. I was thinking the other day about life pre-cancer. A cough was just a cough, a headache just a headache, a flu just a flu-there was never any reason to make any other leap. Now I think about life post-cancer. A cough is never just a cough, a headache never just a headache, a flu never just a flu-it's a Dear God....please....please not again. When your life is flipped in an instant you never forget what that feels like. When everything you thought you knew, every plan you had ever made, everything you envisioned for yourself crumbles to nothing you quickly realize-I am not in control, I never was, I never will be. And even with that knowledge as you try to move forward your biggest hope is just for normality. We hope for happiness and health and for a future together. Life is not always good but God is always good. It took me awhile to really let this revelation sink into my heart. When I was in the deepest darkest place that life could take me God never changed. He was always there, He was always good, He was always in control and His love would never fail me no matter what happened and no matter what life brought our way. He can never be anything but those things. Life can be unfair, cruel, and miserable but God is always, always faithful.
In a few weeks it will have been 2 years since Joel was diagnosed. In some ways it feels like forever ago and in other ways like it was yesterday. We have been so richly blessed to be able to have these past 2 years. I still have my husband, we are about to move into a new home, we have a son on the way-so so so blessed. To an outsider they may think we have move past cancer or that we are "over it". The truth? I still think about cancer every single day. It still affects our lives every single day. In 2 weeks we have CT scans to make sure Joel is still in the clear. I hate these tests. I hate that now, during such a full time in our lives, we have to stop and we have to hold our breathes once again. No matter how far you get from it-it always seems like you are attached to a tether that pulls you back time and time again. It's not easy. I am not sure it will ever be.
But God is good, He is always there, He is always in control and His love will never fail us. And no matter how tethered I am to cancer I am tethered to that truth even more.
Please be praying and standing with us for clear results in 2 weeks.