An area of concern. What exactly is an area of concern? I have now learned that it is medical speak for something that could be extremely serious or something that could be absolutely nothing. However, when you are the cancer patient, hearing the words “area of concern” it is…well…concerning. Your heart wants to believe it’s nothing but your head takes you back to when you first thought that something was nothing-only to be diagnosed with cancer. This is me being very real here because the last 24 hours have not been easy for us. 2 years ago on May 20th was when Joel was first diagnosed with cancer. After the surgery I thought we had it beat and after the chemo I really thought we had it beat. If anyone would have told me that nearly 2 years later we would still be living life in such limbo I wouldn’t have been able to believe it. I wouldn’t have been able to believe how the smallest Dr’s appointment could still-at this point-have the power to throw our lives into a frenzy. We went to Joel’s doctor’s appointment yesterday and they found 3 small “areas of concern” on his lungs. I don’t think I need to elaborate much further for you to understand how serious of a situation that could possibly be. They now don’t want to let us go our normal 3-4 months until our next scan they want to see him back in 8 weeks because they want to closely monitor these areas to make sure they aren’t growing. 8 weeks-a week or two after our sweet baby boy is born. I want Joel to treasure that time with our child and not have to be worrying about upcoming tests and about our future. This disease is trying to rob us once again.
This time I am mad. I am just mad. I am not mad at God because I believe that only good and perfect things come from Him. But I am mad at cancer. I hate cancer. I hate cancer. I hate cancer. I hate to see the amazing people it has robbed from this earth and what it has done to the people that they have left behind. And I hate that during what should be the absolute most joyous time in our life cancer has us looking over our shoulder again. It’s like a cruel enemy that just won’t let us rest. And it’s not fair (I know it rarely ever is). But it still shouldn’t be this way. And it makes me angry. And if I’m being honest it makes me scared. We have been through this “area of concern” mess twice now-but never like this, never when we’re on the verge of making a commitment to purchase a house and most certainly never on the verge of having a child. It changes everything-absolutely everything. I know that’s the risk we took forging ahead with life so quickly but then I go back to what would the alternative be? Sitting at home with life continually on pause waiting to see if this disease is really truly gone forever? That’s no way to live. So you move forward as best you can but then sometimes this wretched disease mocks you and tries to say “Nu uh-not so fast!” I hate cancer.
So there it is-that’s how I feel about it. Mad, angry, scared and not nearly as strong as I have felt in the past. In fact in the past I probably wouldn’t have even blogged such real emotions-I always try so hard to be positive and strong. But this is life with cancer and this is real. You only get it fully if you've walked through it. If you have walked through it you can sadly relate to every word I say and for those people-I am so, so, so sorry that you have had to walk this path.
I am just processing through a lot. Yesterday’s news took me back to some thoughts and emotions that I thought I had long since conquered. Turns out I still have a ways to go. I still believe that God has healed my husband and I cling to that with all that I have. I have to cling to it even more when tests come back that mock that belief. Philippians 1:6 talks about that He who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion. I believe that God started a work in our lives the minute Joel was diagnosed and I don’t believe it’ll be completed until Joel is years down the road happy, healthy and still completely cancer-free. I can’t go on what reports say. I can’t even go what doctor’s say at times. We were told at MD Anderson that they fully expected Joel’s first CT scan there to contain spreading-I looked at that doctor and said it wouldn’t and it didn’t. Yesterday I wasn’t as strong. Yesterday I was confronted by my worst possible fear which is a cancer re-occurrence. But you know what the real difference between yesterday and that day at MD Anderson? Nothing. God is still as much in control now as He was then.
So, if you would, please pray for us. Even though we are standing and believing that these areas of concern are nothing-we are personally still battling. We are battling fears and thoughts and emotions that will cripple you if you let it. My prayer for us is just to be able to enjoy the next few weeks coming up without fear. And my prayer is God would continue to show His greatness in our lives and His faithfulness in our lives. That my husband will continue to walk in his healing until we are old and gray and this mess is all but a memory. Until that day....
Thank you for your prayers for us.