These days I find my life busier than ever. I am trying to figure out if it's because more people ask me to do things or if I just make way too many plans for myself. Probably a combination of both. Truth is, I don't like sitting still and staying home right now. This is the polar opposite of how I was when Joel was alive. I used to love to stay at home and veg with my 2 favorite boys. Joel would always be the one to say "we should do this" or "we should do that". I would pull myself away from the comfy sofa, get out of my sweatpants, and head out with him. I think now home is just hard. Home isn't the same. Home is pretty lonely. So, Milo and I stay pretty booked up these days or I head out for dinner or coffee after he goes to sleep and my parents are with him. My parents have been great and encourage me to stay busy and they help me so much. It's not that I'm avoiding the grief, trust me I am dealing with it head on. I think I'm just trying to force myself continue to move forward. I don't want to hit a pause button. Plus when you don't stay busy the days seem to drag on and on. Right now I'm just trying to get through one day at a time. I'm so thankful to God for continuing to open doors for me to speak about Joel's life. Tonight I'm going to speak at a LifeGroup of young adults from my church. It's the first time for me to tell my story, to a group, from start to finish. As reluctant of a speaker as I am I get the sense that God is going to start having me do this more and more. I just pray that He gives me the words to say that speaks to people's hearts. Also, Monday was my first post at the widows website that I talked to you about. If you would like to read it click here. For my first entry I used a post that I got a lot of great feedback on from this blog. In the future I plan to get a little bit more personal with my entries and speak even more directly to widows. Another one of my "duties" as a part of AWM ministries is to watch over the ministry Facebook for 3 days following my post. This just might be my favorite part because I get to speak directly to women who are experiencing what I have. They are so precious and I'm so fortunate to be able to love on them any way that I can. Honestly, I'm just so humbled at the doors God is opening for me to share our story. It gives me purpose and makes me feel like there was a greater purpose in it all-which I believe wholeheartedly there was.
Below is an old picture of Joel and I. This is when he was in the throws of chemo the first time. The saddest I had ever seen him was when he lost his eyebrows and eyelashes because to him that is when he really looked like a cancer patient. To me, the entire time he was just so handsome. Even when he was in the hospital bed and so very sick this summer I would look at him and he would take my breath away. Chemo is a terrible experience so if you know someone experiencing chemo love on them extra well today.
The other photo is of me with my main squeeze. Love this boy beyond words.