Sovereign

In the past week I have had some moments where I'm really "going there" with The Lord. I've been asking Him some hard questions and even expressing to Him my anger for why things happened the way they did (He knows my thoughts, I may as well voice them). I know none of these thoughts, feelings, or questions are ones that will be rectified any time soon. It has become a part of my process that I will just have to walk through. I will say through all of my questioning I had one realization that became a breakthrough for me this week. Joel belongs to God. He was my husband second but he was Gods child first. While I will say I loved him more than anyone, there's one person who loved him more, and that is God. Joel was my partner but not my possession. On paper he was committed and "belonged" to me but he didn't really belong to me, he belonged to God. In knowing God I can trust He had my husband in the palm of His hand the whole time and I have to believe He still does. While my hope, prayer and deepest desire was to have my husband with me I have realized he was God's child first and foremost and God sees and knows more than I ever could. While His viewpoint certainly doesn't make much sense from my vantage point, I can rest in God's love for my husband. I know how deeply I loved Joel, the deepest deep, but God loved him more. I never gave up my life for my husband, Jesus did. When I find myself questioning "why why why" it helps to keep that in perspective. Even though it's not what I want to hear or it still doesn't seem fair, it's still truth. The Bible talks a lot about God being sovereign. I looked up what that means. It's supreme; preeminent; indisputable. God and who He is, His power and His authority is indisputable. I argue with God on this situation though. I tell Him day after day I think the right decision would've been for Joel to still be here with us. Still God is sovereign. What's left of my life seems to be in shambles and doesn't make a lick of sense. Still God is sovereign. Joel's life was cut way too short as was my life with him. Still God is sovereign. What lies ahead is unknown and what's behind us is heartbreaking. Still God is sovereign.

This is what I mean when I say I don't understand, but I trust. It doesn't mean I don't question and it doesn't mean I'm not angry most days. I just know how much I loved Joel and I know Jesus loved him more. If I can't trust the creator of the universe on this, the one who knit together Joel in the womb, who can I trust? At some point, despite every question (and I will keep asking them) my truth has to land on who He is. I know that one day every question will be answered from the one who knows and loves both of us with an unparalleled love. While that doesn't keep me from hurting now it does give me a place to land. And that is safely in the arms of a sovereign God.

The Lord has established His throne in the heavens; And His sovereignty rules over all. Psalm 103:19

Sovereign-Chris Tomlin Sovereign in the mountain air Sovereign on the ocean floor With me in the calm With me in the storm

Sovereign in my greatest joy Sovereign in my deepest cry With me in the dark With me at the dawn

In your everlasting arms All the pieces of my life From beginning to the end I can trust you

In your never failing love You work everything for good God whatever comes my way I will trust you

God whatever comes my way I will trust you

All my hopes All I need Held in your hands

All my life All of me Held in your hands

All my fears All my dreams Held in your hands

In your everlasting arms All the pieces of my life From beginning to the end I can trust you

In your never failing love You work everything for good God whatever comes my way I will trust you

God whatever comes my way I will trust you

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