Seasons

I was up early one morning this week, looking out to my backyard and do you know what I saw? Frost. I saw frost on the ground. Something about seeing frost shocked me. Woah-it's Fall I realized. Right now I'm walking around in the fog of grief they say. It's a protective mechanism that your body provides to keep the pain from being as intense as it should probably be. The fog allows you to function and lifts long enough for you to feel the force of the pain, but seems to cover you again before it gets too intense. The bad part about the fog is I tend to be extremely unaware, and honestly not extremely concerned, with basic things around me. I feel like the pause button of my life was hit this summer and many times I find my thoughts wandering back to how those events unfolded. For a long time after I lost my husband it remained summer. It remained as it was when he was last alive. This summer was hot and humid and sticky and it has remained that way until recently. Now that season is fading away. There is a change coming. Fall is coming. T-shirts and shorts are being replaced with sweaters and boots. I am not quite sure how this happens, how life moves on. It reminds me of one of my favorite songs about seasons and finding God in each season. If I had to equate what season I relate to in her song it is definitely winter: And everything in time and under heaven Finally falls asleep Wrapped in blankets white, all creation Shivers underneath And still I notice you When branches crack And in my breath on frosted glass Even now in death, You open doors for life to enter You are winter

Just like how the seasons change in real life the seasons of my life abruptly changed this summer. I went from my life being a glorious "summer", prosperous, full of life and warmth. I've now entered into a season of "winter" where everything seems cold, dead, quiet and desolate. But the thing about our lives, just like the seasons, they change. Most places in the world do not stay in the dead of winter forever. Everything isn't always cold and lifeless. The seasons change and they change us. The beautiful thing about what follows winter, is the spring:

And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced Teaching us to breathe What was frozen through is newly purposed Turning all things green My husband was the gardener of our family and he always wanted to get the flowers that come back year after year. I remember seeing these plants in the winter that had turned brown, and were frozen and hunched over. There's no way those plants are going to ever come back, I would think every winter. But then a funny thing happened, spring rolls around. Suddenly these flowers start to change. It starts with the color starting to come back, then they perk up instead of slouching and then slowly but surely they start to develop the bud that shows the signs of life. It was always amazing to me that what once seemed so dead had returned to life again. So it is the hopeless places in our life. You may feel the cold and brutal wind of a long and lonely winter. That's where I am now. But I know that a change is around the corner-warmth and green, growth and life once again. Spring is coming.

Spring is Coming-Steven Curtis Chapman

We planted the seed while the tears of our grief soaked the ground The sky lost its sun, and the world lost its green to lifeless brown Now the chilling wind has turned the earth hard as stone And silently seed rise beneath ice and snow

And my heart's heavy now But I'm not letting go of this hope I have that tells me

Spring is coming, Spring is coming And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear Spring is coming, Spring is coming It won't be long now, it's just about here

Hear the birds start to sing Feel the life in the breeze Watch the ice melt away The kids are coming out to play

Feel the sun on your skin Growing strong and warm again Watch the ground: there's something moving Something is breaking through New life is breaking through

Spring is coming, Spring is coming And all we've been hoping and longing for soon will appear Spring is coming, Spring is coming And it won't be long now, it's just about here

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