I don't know what's worse-the mornings or the evenings. The evenings are bad because I go to bed alone and my room just seems so quiet. The mornings are bad because I wake up and realize all over again that I will never see his face again. The middle part of the day is just numb and constant pain. There was a very incredible woman who commented on this blog with some questions that she had on her heart. Here is what she said:
I do not know you, but through reading your blog I feel like I have come to know you and your family over the past couple of months. I prayed daily with hopeful expectation of the miracle that was to come. But then it didn't. Which made me ask "What is the point of prayer?" If there ever was a family deserving of God hearing and answering your prayers, along with the prayers of hundreds of others, it was your family. Your faith and courage throughout this journey touched so many lives. Of course God is big enough to answer that prayer. But he did not answer it in the way that we hoped. God's will must prevail above all else. This was obviously God's plan for Joel's life. So, what then is the point of praying if it is not going to change anything?
First of all, I want to thank her for her bravery in voicing these questions. No one else has asked but I know that she is not the only one thinking this. What I want her and everyone to know is I have many of these same questions. People tell me all the time I am so "full of faith" and yes I was in this situation. In many ways that's what makes this harder. Even after the third stroke, when I was told there was "no hope", I still refused to believe that we would not receive his miracle. I believed with every fiber of my being that Joel would be healed. I never once mentally prepared myself for losing him, which is what makes what I am walking through now all the more difficult. I love Jesus with all my heart-that will never change-but He and I have some things we need to work through. I have many, many questions. I don't expect for every one of them to be completely answered and I certainly don't expect them to be answered over night. But I will pursue the answers with all that I have. And as He speaks to me on it I promise to share it with you all. I've said it before that Joel and I never claimed to be super-hero Christians with all of the answers. Many times in the past 3 years we have wept and cried out "why do we have to endure this Lord?" But here's the thing about it it's not a dictatorship it's a relationship and God is big enough to handle all of my questions and lead and love me through them. We wouldn't be human if we acted like we weren't disappointed and that we weren't hurt. But one thing I do know, is that where we will always always land is that His love will never.ever.fail.
Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day. I'm not ready to say goodbye to my love. Thank you for your continual prayers.