Moments. Life is just a series of them. Some, the happiest moments that bring you indescribable joy. Moments where you wish that life had a pause button & you could hit that button & stay in the state of bliss that life has handed to you. Then there are the moments of indescribable pain or shame. Moments that you wish would leave as quickly as they arrived, moments you wish you'd never had or moments you wish that you could completely forget. I remember my Mom telling me a story of my grandmother on her death bed talking about how quickly her life had passed by. That even in the very last moments of her life she still felt like a little girl that was just getting started. So many moments not savored until it was too late to savor them. They were already gone. There have been days when this chemo routine gets the best of me & in those days I find myself wishing this year of my life to be over & done with as quickly as possible. But I also remember a moment with my husband in the midst of a terrible time of our first week of chemo. We were walking up & down the hall to try to get him a little bit of exercise. He was walking with his chemo bag on an IV pole to his right & I was walking on his left holding his gown closed so he wasn't flashing his butt to the whole hallway. He looked at me smiling & put his arm around me & we walked down that hall much like we would if we were walking around the mall or walking into a restaurant. In that moment I thought-there is nowhere else I would rather be. Looking back that seems crazy! We were in a hospital, walking a hall, with a chemo bag. But we were also just Joel & just Sarah having a sweet, lovely moment between the two of us. There is so much to be said for living fully in a moment instead of wishing it away to get to a better one. Wish too many moments away & you can never make them slow down when you really want them to. So even now, in an extremely difficult moment, we still enjoy the moment. We live in the moment. We appreciate the moment. For truly each & every one of them is precious. Thanks for your continued prayers for Joel. He is still recovering from chemo last week. On Monday his white blood cell counts where low. That means that due to his inability to fight sickness or infection, he is going to have to stay home again & not have anyone over. Not that he leaves the house that often any way, but there is something about not be able to leave that makes him feel restless. I know at times we have both felt really isolated in this disease. It's hard because you try to explain it & no one can really understand what you go through. It is wonderful to have each other but I know that I will never truly know how hard this has been on him. He would never let on either. He worries about me too much to have me worrying about him any more than I already do. It is hard for me to know how hard it is for him & not be able to do anything to "fix" it. That is when I remember that God cares about Joel even more than I & that He will be the only one that can truly care for him in every way that he needs to be cared for.
We fly out next Thursday for our 3rd trip to MD Anderson. Please be in continued prayer for us for a safe trip & good test results.
Sarah & Joel