One Step Back

It finally happened today. The day all of my grief books told me would most likely come. The day that I had tried to prepare myself for and yet no amount of preparation would've been enough. It's the day when you have taken 2 steps forward and for reasons that make no sense at all, you take one enormous step back. Today I had one of the worst days I have had since Joel died. I don't know what was the trigger for it, all I know is it was horrible. I woke up this morning and sadness, like a heavy blanket, was just all over me. I was missing my husband like crazy even more than the insane amounts I already miss him daily. It was like my brain just absolutely could not comprehend the fact that I will not see him again on this earth. I don't know why and I don't know how to explain it any better than that but all of the sudden this fact just seemed completely impossible to me. I got up, got dressed, and went to church with my family. I came home and I was still just miserable. I had an extremely challenging day with my son probably one of the worst ever. My son is so mellow and easy going that thankfully bad days are few and far between. Unfortunately my bad day and his bad day collided. He was testing his limits and not listening to a thing I said. I found myself wishing more than anything that his Father was here to back me up and to reinforce what I was telling my son to do. I have been hit with such a double whammy. I lost my best friend and my spouse. That's hard enough to deal with. But I've also become a single parent. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be a single parent at my age. It's bad enough trying to mourn such a heavy loss but it's even harder to navigate this new world of single parenthood at the same time. Most days I feel like I'm doing decently at it but today I felt like a complete failure. So I walked around crying, nearly all day long. It has been a long while since I have done that. All that I want is the one thing that I can't have-I just want my husband back. I rarely write blogs like this-ones that are so sad. But I have committed to share all parts of the journey the good and the bad the hopeful and the days that seem so far from that. Today was one of those days. Today was a bad, bad day.

I did it though, I got through the day. One of the last things that I did this evening was rock my son to sleep. He had his head on my shoulder and eyes closed for a few minutes so I thought he was out. All of the sudden his eyes open and he leans forward and gives me the biggest kiss. Then the biggest smile that he has in him followed (that smile by the way is the very same smile as my husbands). Then he laid his head back on my shoulder, closed his eyes, and fell asleep. I sat in the darkness with tears streaming down my face so thankful for my little boy and honestly just so thankful that this day is over. Tomorrow is a new day. Two more steps forward.