“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you, I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you” Isaiah 46:4 Do you remember years and years ago when those silly email forwards would make the rounds and we would take a five minute breather to fill them out? We would reveal our deepest darkest secrets to our friends in the form of "what's your favorite food" and "what city do you love to visit?" They were all the rage especially amongst the female's who enjoy sharing the details of our life, no matter how minuscule. The other day I was going through a work email folder, with random emails I have saved, when I found one of those forwards that my husband had filled out. My husband never filled these silly things out so that must have been why I kept it. It was dated 6 years ago and it asked all of the typical, boring survey questions. As my eyes scanned the email they rested upon a question "what is your greatest fear?" Joel's answer, "not seeing kids grow up". There are 2 interesting parts to that answer. #1 this email was from 6 years ago which meant that we were still 3 years away from cancer becoming a part of our lives. And #2 it was also 5 years away from us even having children. Joel lost his mother at a young age and I definitely see that as the driving factor behind his concern about having kids and not being around to raise them. So what is my conclusion from the email? Well, more than anything it made me sad. Sad that his worst fear was realized. It did also make me happy to know that before our son was even a thought my husband had such deep love for him. He wanted so badly to be a father. That love is something that I can tell my son about and share openly with him. If he were to ever doubt how loved and adored he was I can point him to this email and say oh no son, your were loved before you were even born.
I went to my group counseling session on Wednesday. There was a lot of good things that I gleaned from the night. I took the workbook and audio home with me so that I can continue to work through the material. I am not sure, given the stage where I am now, that the group setting is the best way for me to process through grief. I have set up an appointment next week to meet with a grief counselor from my church, one on one. I think this might be a better fit for me and a safer place for me to be able to be open and share from my heart what I'm walking through. There is definitely not one "right" way to process through emotions. Everyone's journey is different and unique to that person. I am just trusting God to lead me through it all.
The above verse is one I have been really thinking about and clinging to lately. I will say for as much of a difficult time as I am walking through, I have felt The Lord so closely. He has provided for us in big and small ways. Just last night I was facing the loneliest part of my day-where Milo and I sit at the dinner table to have dinner. Milo doesn't exactly talk much (baby babble excluded) so he concentrates on shoveling in his food and I sit there and eat in silence alone. It's been really hard getting used to not having someone there to talk to. I miss that. Just as I was a few bites in I got an encouraging text from a girlfriend who felt strongly that I needed an encouraging text at that moment. Boy did I. I have another friend who is a widow that says "I'd like to think that God takes special care of us widows". I would like to think that too. Really though, God takes special care of all of us, but He is especially close and near to the broke hearted. I have felt Him in my pain and I know that I am never alone. For that, I am so thankful.