Mirage

Mirage-something illusory, without substance or reality.

I saw my husband this Sunday. He was big and bald just like my husband. He was the same build and height as my husband. He was even wearing a similar outfit to what I have seen Joel wear before. I walked in to my church and saw him from behind sipping his coffee. For a moment my mind played a major trick on me and I thought it was Joel. Don't ask me how my mind could be so cruel but I hear it can happen to those in extreme amounts of grief. In that moment I took a step towards him and nearly dropped everything that I was carrying and ran. It all made sense of why I haven't seen him, he was here all along. Joel, I thought, he's not gone he's here, I see him right in front of me. It was the craziest thing because in that moment I truly believed that was Joel. I wanted to run and throw my arms around his neck, fall into his embrace, and cry my eyes out. Just as quickly as the moment came it vanished and was like I blinked and reality set it. The guy turned around and I realized, of course, this was not my husband, and on this earth it never again would be. Three months in that is still a realization that I have such a hard time comprehending. It hits me like a ton of bricks when a moment like this happens or on those days when I pick up a phone to text him. He's gone. My mind is still fighting against my heart to understand how such a horrible thing could be true. Joel, my love, I miss you so.

20131022-144218.jpg