It was merely 3 weeks ago, late on a Friday night, I was riding in an ambulance to the hospital. I was sitting up front with the driver, in complete silence. My two week old baby girl was in the back. We drive down a familiar street, one I normally try to avoid. That night there would be no avoiding it. As we made a sharp right there it stood, the hospital where my husband had passed away just a year prior.
I looked out the window at the familiar place where we had spent the better part of 6 weeks in ICU battling for his life. As I stared at the building where he took his final breath, I struggled to keep mine composed.
How did we get to this place?
Why was this happening?
This is my precious baby girl.
There's a verse in Psalms 102 that talks about feeling like the Lord is building you up only to tear you down. I couldn't describe how I felt more perfectly than that. I had lost my husband but then was able to have a miracle baby girl. She was the beauty that was rising from the ashes of our loss. Now she was the in the back of an ambulance struggling for her life.
No family should have to go through what we have. Not once. Especially not twice.
I will never forget the first night at Children's with Ellis, the doctor told me she needed a CT scan. I was beside myself. I knew about CT scans well, because my husband had many.
He had been battling cancer for 4 years and it got to a point where chemo was not working, so surgery was recommended. After his surgery he unexpectedly had a series of strokes that took his life at only 35. After every stroke a CT scan was done and doctors would painstakingly show me the scans, explaining the catastrophic results I was viewing. When they wanted to take Ellis back for one, it was more than I could handle. The doctor knelt beside my chair at eye level and asked why I was having such a visceral reaction to the CT scan. I explained to her about my husband.
"It's like it's happening all over again" I wailed.
And that is what it felt like. Daily. From having two people I love on a vent to having to remove two people I love from a vent.
People would tell me to be strong and believe for a miracle. But how was I to do that, when I believed for one only a year earlier, and it wasn't to be?
After my husband died miracles and healing became somewhat of a mystery to me. I used to believe in them without fail. I thought if you believed without wavering, it would come to pass. But in my husband's case I did believe without wavering. And then some.
Even after believing with all the faith I could muster, it still didn't happen (on this earth). I decided even though it was something that confused me, it would not take away my belief in the Lord. It was something I would have the answers to one day, but not any time soon.
I was ok with that. Until the moment came where I had to believe again for another huge miracle. Truth was, I was still reeling from the first one that didn't happen.
This time around I wasn't the strong warrior of belief I had been, but I knew I had at least a mustard seed of it. I knew that was all I needed.
The day we removed Ellis from the vent and right before they put her on my chest, I ducked in the bathroom for a quick moment. It was there I cried out one last time to God. I'd been crying out to Him for weeks and it seemed as if my prayers were going nowhere. Each time I would pray it seemed like things only got worse. I was prepared that day to tell her goodbye. My heart was crushed and I felt like I had nothing left within me. Yet, there in that little hospital bathroom a plea rose up from my heart.
"Lord, I will let her go. But if there's any way, any way at all, please let her live."
As I said the prayer I don't even think I believed it could be true.
But true it was.
They removed Ellis from the vent and against all odds, she lived.
Miracle of miracles.
No explanation for it other than that.
I believed mightily for a miracle once and it didn't happen.
I believed weakly for a miracle once and it did.
This leaves me at a crossroads.
I believe it's always Gods will to heal. Always. Do I understand any better why it happens in one instance and not in the other? Not in the least.
I don't believe God causes tragic circumstances for His glory. But I believe He will use them for His glory.
There is one thing I know 100%-miracles can happen. And while I can't say I understand all the "how's" and "why's" I can say that I will never stop believing for them.
Because I know they can happen.
I've seen it with my own eyes.
And I hold it in my arms, every day.
We stand together in unity to declare that beloved Ellis will live life to the fullness of what she was created for. Her brain will be completely restored, functioning at 100%. Every seizure will cease as healing is being accelerated over her life. She will live to declare Jehovah is God, and her life will be a light and testimony to the nations. We declare, that darkness is as light to you, God. We call forth light into the dark places and believe that what the enemy intends for evil, God is using for good. We break the power of every stronghold and argument over her life that exalts itself against the knowledge of God. We declare that no weapon formed against her will prosper. We declare that her spirit will rise up and lead her soul and her body. Ellis Claire Rodriguez, arise, shine, His glory is upon you.