Joy

Last weekend we celebrated my girlfriend Taylor by throwing her a baby shower. This wasn't your normal play weird baby games and ooh and awe over onesies kind of shower. No. Being the cool girl she is Taylor requested a girl night of PJ's, pazookies (ice cream on cookies) and a night full of fun and laughs. It was in the middle of this silly evening where I oh so briefly felt something I haven't in a long time.Let me explain. A big component to grief is numbness. It's a protective mode your body naturally goes into to protect you from the indescribable pain of losing one you love so much. While it does, in a sense, numb you from some of the pain it also numbs you from everything else. You can go through a normal day, have normal conversation, but there's a numb fog that wraps itself around you completely like a blanket. Six months later I largely still feel this way. But there was a break in the fog and light poked through. Which brings me back to the party. I was surrounded by a group of girls who I love and we were talking, joking and laughing when something happened that stopped me in my tracks. I realized I felt joy. Pure happiness and joy. It came quickly and left quickly as the light fog settled back over me. But I felt it. I had forgotten what it felt like to have a carefree moment of just happiness. Feeling it again brought a smile to my face because I realized it hadn't completely left me forever. It had just been dormant. I realized if joy can return for a moment joy can return for a lifetime. It's not the same kind of joy because there will always be the ache of Joel being gone along with it. It can be a different joy. A hard fought joy but joy none the less. That evening filled me with hope. Hope that slowly but surely I was finding my footing again. I won't ever be the girl I was but I can become one who finds her joy again. By His power I will get there, one belly laugh at a time.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

20140121-183542.jpg