In the Midst

And this is my prayer in the battle When triumph is still on its way...Desert Song

I cried at Ellis' pediatric appointment today. It was embarrassing; a weak moment of just feeling completely overwhelmed at this road we are having to walk. It's hard to talk to others about it without getting emotional, because the journey is still so very long. 

We are still in the midst of a miracle. 

When Ellis was hospitalized I didn't think I had the strength to believe for her healing. I didn't know if I believed in healing any more after the "defeat" I felt at my husband's death. 

The story's been told over and over again of how I ducked in that little hospital bathroom and prayed one last time for the Lord to spare the life of my little girl. I'm realizing even more that was a pinnacle moment. That was the moment where no matter how tired, how broken, how defeated I felt-the heart of what I really believed shined through. At the core of who I was I believed God could save the life of my baby girl. And He did. 

But there's still the road we travel. 

Since 2010, when the words "cancer" were uttered to my husband, doctors and hospitals have been a normal way of life. If it wasn't cancer it was infertility. And now there's Ellis. The truth is for many years my life hasn't quite felt like my own, always at the mercy of one appointment or another. 

It is lonely. As much of a support system as you have, your friends still have their own lives. I learned that in my first loss. When I left the hospital with Ellis I knew the bulk of the responsibility would fall squarely on me. It's hard. It's hard to feel so exhausted from the accumulative affects of years of insane life circumstances. Many are the days I feel overwhelmed at this pace.

Much has been said of the Isralites and their griping after they had just seen the massive miracle of God parting the seas for them. I used to think it was silly, but the more I live it, the more I get it. You've just seen God perform a huge miracle on your behalf and you feel like that should be the end of it. You don't understand why you still have the journey of going through the desert. It hardly seems fair to have to believe for miracles large and then small. Your faith can be emboldend when you see the big stuff happen, but deflated when you are still having to believe deeply for more.  

That dessert place can be a lonely one. It is normal to feel alone even through we never are. 

If point A is majestic and point Z is triumphant then point B-Y are the mundane, the trying, difficult moments for which we need a grace like no other. 

Sometimes you have to go back to your moment in the bathroom. The core of who you are and what you believe. For me it's that He will never leave or forsake me. It is that what He started He will finish. Both of those are promises in His word yet both of them indicate there's a process to be had. While I don't always understand the reasons for it I can bank on His goodness as I endure it. Even in the moments I feel my weakest. 

We are still in the midst of our miracle. 

Not always the easiest place to be. 

Behind us is the parted sea and now we face our desert march. 

Growing up our family had dear friends who were enduring some of the most difficult times of their lives. Their sweet baby girl Kayla was born with every single organ outside of her body. They were told Kayla would not live. Then when she did live they were told she would be mentally disabled with a host of other problems. Miracle of miracles she did live, but that wasn't the end of it. I watched for years as this family walked through doctors appointments, surgeries and seemingly unending challenges for Kayla. I watched as they held tight to the promise of Gods complete healing for Her life. I saw them when they were in the midst of their miracle, such a lonely and difficult place.

This weekend I saw something else. I saw little Kayla graduate high school. She is beautiful, healthy, thriving, with only her scars to remind her of where she has been. 

Their path wasn't easy, but they never gave up. To get to witness their moment of triumph was inspiring.

He never performs miracles half way. 

Those are the hope-filled stories that inspire us in our own. To see others with tremendous odds break through every barrier put in front of them time and time again. To see the Lord do the impossible and give strength to the weary, that's who He is for us all. 

So in the midst of our miracle we continue our march, some days exhausted, some days broken but all days thankful. For we know our triumph is ahead.  

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