In Control

During our entire 3 years of dealing with cancer there was one album that we played over and over again. It was an album by an artist named Steven Curtis Chapman called Beauty Will Rise. I will admit that I'm not the biggest fan of contemporary Christian music, although I am a fan of his. I tend to either listen to music on the radio, sports radio, or worship music. This album is a little different though. He wrote the entire album after just losing his young daughter in a tragic accident. Throughout the entire album you can nearly hear the heartbreak in his voice as he cries out to God with his questions. One song in particular "Beauty Will Rise" is one that I've referenced on this blog frequently and became pretty much our "theme song" for the last few years. At Joel's funeral I played this song at the very end. I connected to this album while walking through the fire but I connect to this album even more so in my loss of Joel. There's now another song in particular, from this same album, that ministers to my heart. Here are the lyrics: Our God is in Control

This is not how it should be This is not how it could be This is how it is And our God is in control

This is not how it will be When we finally will see We'll see with our own eyes He was always in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God And we will finally really understand what it means So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be When we started this journey But this is where we are And our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter There will be sweetness forever When we finally taste and see That our God is in control

And we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God And we will finally really understand what it means So we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God While we're waiting for that day

We're waiting for that day We'll keep on waiting for that day And we will rise Our God is in control

Holy, holy, holy

Our God is in control

I cannot tell you how many times I've turned the lights off in my room, crawled in my bed and cried as I listened to this song. It says everything I feel about my situation. It voices a frustration about why things happened the way that they did. It expresses disappointment in how things had to be. But at heart, it expresses total trust in the fact that God is in control. The song admits that he doesn't "get it" but he still refuses to let go of the promises of God which is to ultimately bring beauty to ashes and make all things new. If there's now a "theme song" that I would attach to this new journey in our life it is this one. In particular I love the line "though this first taste is bitter, there will be sweetness forever, when we finally taste and see, that our God is in control." I try to look at the pain of losing Joel as temporary. Why is that? Because the loss of him is only temporary. The bitter is only temporary. Truly, what's forever is the sweetness. The sweetness of being reunited with him again in a place where death will never again separate us, where there is no cancer, there is no sadness and there is no pain. That is what I hold onto and know that no matter how it appears in every moment of my life He is always in control.

We're waiting for that day We'll keep on waiting for that day And we will rise Our God is in control

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