If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken and the signs are unclearAnd I don't know the reasons why you brought me here. But just because you love me the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.

I remembered this old song today, it just came to me from nowhere. I think all of the events of the last 2 weeks finally hit me. I started crying and the tears have kept coming. I woke up this morning super sick. I am mentally and physically so beyond exhausted from the last 16 days. It has seemed so long and yet we still have so far to go. I think that up to this point I have been running on pure adrenaline and fumes. Now that they have moved Joel to rehab, and his visiting hours are limited, it has given me more time to just think about everything. All around us life has gone back to normal and here I am wondering if ours will ever feel "normal" again. I go back to work on a part-time basis on Monday and it feels so weird going back to what was when absolutely nothing in my life is as it was. Joel is so ready to come home and we want him home so badly-but he's not physically ready yet. And so we just try keep moving forward but oh how we miss him. Life's not the same without him here and really life is not the same at all. When your life gets shaken up completely all that you want is your life as it was. Sounds like the most simple request yet the most unattainable at the same time. The crazy thing to me? This all started with a surgery for cancer. Biggest battle we have ever faced. And now, we are not even talking about that battle, that should tell you how big our newest battle is. I was telling a friend the other night that I just feel tired. We have been fighting for health stuff for 3 years and we have been fighting hard. Now the battle has intensified yet I just feel worn out from the previous battle that we have been fighting. I feel gutted and wounded and like I have nothing left in me. That is the truth. I mean who goes from dealing with cancer to rehabbing from a stroke? It is so unbelievable that even I find myself asking how in the world did we ever get here. So there is the raw emotion of how it feels to be walking in our shoes. It's not easy. Still I know I'm not alone. Even if it feels like there's no one in the world who could understand what we are going through-there is someone who understands. And with all that I have I cling to Him. Even when it feels like it does now-and it hurts-that doesn't change who He is. He is faithful.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step And I'm clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet. So if all of these trials that bring me closer to You Then I will go through the fire if you want me to.

And it may not be the way I would've chosen When you lead me through a world that's not my home But you never said it would be easy You only said I'd never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me And I'm all by myself And I can't hear you answer my cries for help I'll remember the suffering that your love put you through And I will go through the valley if you want me to. "If you want me to"-Ginny Owens