Good Hard

On Friday night some of my dearest girlfriends and I loaded up in the mini-van (it's the only way to travel), and headed to Dallas for a night away. It was so nice to spend time with these girls who have been ever so encouraging to me through this season of my life. This was a trip that all of us were looking forward to but it was also known that I was probably the one that needed it the most. I had a great time-really I did. It was awesome conversation and even a lot of laughter. But. And with me there's always a "but" these days. It was hard. It was good but it was hard. I would be having fun for a moment and then immediately I would have a moment that just crushed me. I don't feel like when you lose a person that you love that you just lose them once. It happens to me many, many times a day when I have the realization over again "wow, Joel really is gone." It's not like I ever forget, it's just that the loss is so painful it hurts like the first time nearly every time. Right before we were about to head home I was in the bathroom with one of the girls and I was near hysterics at the thought and sudden realization that when I go home I won't have Joel there to share the details of my trip with. Our shopping trip to H&M (my favorite store in the world) was fun until I saw in the men's section a shirt that I thought "Oh Joel would love that....oh wait". This is the price that you pay when you love and lose someone. We allow them to have a place in our world where they are completely enfolded into every thought, every feeling, every aspect of our lives. Then when they are gone the hole is rugged and gaping wide. I have such amazing people in my life, my girlfriends especially. And through my loss God has brought new people into my life and deepened already existing friendships. It brings me to tears to think of the miraculous ways He has done this and how He is blessing me through relationships-something that I've never really experienced before. I just ache for the day when things can be good good not good hard. I know that I will never forget my husband and there will always be a hole in our lives where he should have been. But even though most moments of my life will be bittersweet, I don't want to walk through the rest of my life with the pain being just as great as every joy is. I don't feel like that has to be my life sentence to show what Joel meant to me. That's an utter lie. I want to have joy again and I know that Joel would desperately want that for me. I know it won't happen overnight I just want to somehow someway get there. Until I do, I am thankful for women who love me and encourage me. Who take me on road trips and make me laugh and also let me cry. Who know that every part of life right now is good hard-and they love me just the same. Still, beauty is to come.

Faithful-Ben Freeman

Wake my heart from restless sleeping Fill these lungs, it's you who's breathing I hear you speak, you whisper low I breathe your name, don't let me go

You're faithful, and I can't wait to see all the beauty you're making from this

Emmanuel, I need you near me Closer still. God can you hear me? Let your light flood in like morning dawn As you teach my heart to sing this song

You're faithful, and I can't wait to see all the beauty you're making from this You're faithful, and I'm starting to see all the beauty you're making from this

You never change, O God You stay the same through the ages I'm holding to your heart And I'll rest my head on your faithfulness

You're faithful, and I can't wait to see all the beauty you're making from this You're faithful, and I think I can see the beauty you're making from this