In October in honor of pregnancy loss day, I wrote about our deeply personal loss. To revisit that post click here. Walking through a loss like that was brutal. We wanted to have both of our babies so badly and when we lost one of them our hearts were broken. It was a complex grieving process that I had to walk through during pregnancy and again after I had my son. There were supposed to be two and I was sad there wasn't. In the blog I referenced a song that I drew a lot of strength from called Glory Baby. Here are the lyrics: Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby.. You were growing, what happened dear? You disappeared on us baby…baby.. Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you Until we’re home with you
Miss you everyday Miss you in every way But we know there’s a day when we will hold you We will hold you You’ll kiss our tears away When we’re home to stay Can’t wait for the day when we will see you We will see you But baby let sweet Jesus hold you ‘till mom and dad can hold you… You’ll just have heaven before we do You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to understand it ‘cause we’re hurting We are hurting But there is healing And we know we’re stronger people through the growing And in knowing- That all things work together for our good And God works His purposes just like He said He would Just like He said He would
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies and what they must sound like But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Every night since I lost the baby, I ask Jesus in my prayers to tell my child that I love him (Joel and I always felt like it was a boy). The day that Joel died I just had this picture of him in Heaven and right after he met with Jesus I completely believe that Jesus placed our baby in Joel's arms. Joel wanted to be a daddy more than anyone I've ever met. He talked about it non-stop from our first date on. When we had fertility problems it weighed on him just as much as it did me. But I love how God has a way of redeeming things. And I wholeheartedly believe that the reason that I was pregnant with twins in the first place, and lost one of them, was because even in Heaven God still gave Joel what he longed for so deeply-a child. I know there are theological truth's about what Heaven is like and it says that families won't be families in the exact same way that we were here. But how amazing would it be to get to Heaven and having your precious child, that you had never met before, there to welcome you? And how amazing that the first place you get hold your child is at the throne of Jesus. When I thought about it that way my grief from my miscarriage was healed almost instantly. I would go through the pain of losing my child a thousand times over to know that Joel got to be a Daddy in Heaven and see and know his child in a way that we didn't get to on earth. I was able to stop and think, wow God, You had a plan. In the midst of my pain You had a plan. And when it was happening it hurt and I didn't understand it and I questioned it but now I'm on the other side of it and I see and I know that You were always in control. Sometimes we just have to hold on long enough to get to the other side of things to see it from a different perspective. That is how I see it now with our Hero baby that became our Glory baby that is now with his Glory Daddy. They are both in the presence of the one who has and always will make all things new-together singing Heavens lullabies.