You don't move on you move forward. You don't get over the pain you go through it. I'm in the thick of it. I've settled into somewhat of a "normal" routine again of taking care of my child, work, errands, church etc, all of the things that I did before. Emotionally is the hard part. I feel like I'm moving through most of my days in a fog. I have a pile on my bedside table of books on grief, loss and the like. So far I've only gotten through one of them. My girlfriends-wow I have some amazing girlfriends. I normally have at least one of them who will stop by every week, in the evenings after we put Milo down, and we sit on the couch and "process". They talk to me about my husband and how I'm walking through the loss of him. They make me laugh and they let me cry. It's helped me to stay sane when I tell them how I feel and they tell me how understandable it is to feel that way. I also start grief counseling at a local church next week. There is a program that several people have referred me to that I am going to be a part of. To be honest something like this is way out of my comfort zone and I'm quite nervous about attending. I know though that I really know nothing about grief nor do I know how to adequately deal with all of the thoughts and emotions that accompany it. I am hoping that it will be helpful for me and that when it's over I will know how to move forward from a loss so deep that it could cripple me if I let it. That's what this process is all about is knowing that I have to somehow go forward and keep living and figuring out a way to do so.

I have an amazing friend named Mary who is also a photographer and she so kindly asked if I would allow her to take some pictures of Joel's service. I instantly said yes because my son was too young to attend and I wanted to have the photos to show him one day. She did a beautiful job of capturing his service and balloon release. I went back and forth on posting them but ultimately thought that I would post a few for those who were not able to attend. It will be a month tomorrow since that day and yet it seems like a lifetime ago. What I remember more than anything else is just how honored my husband was that day. I hope that those who were in attendance walked away with at least a small picture of who he was and what he truly was about. I also hope that we displayed, even in our loss, that our family will continue to bless the Lord in all things. He is good, He is faithful.

Pictures courtesy:

Just a few notes. The front of his program was actually a print of a gift that I gave Joel for Valentines Day. The verse listed in his program was his mothers favorite verse and I know that it was an important one to Joel. So, I put it in there to honor him and her as well. The song that I just had to have played was Healer. Through his whole sickness Joel clung to this song. One of our dear friends Ben sang it and did an amazing job. The standing photo was when our pastor Chris had everyone rise to cheer and honor my husband. Love, loved that. We did a balloon release to honor his birthday which was a few weeks away. I wanted to do something unique and something that my son and I can continue to do to remember him on his birthday.