Tonight I start grief counseling at a local church. I am not very excited about it. Actually, that's an understatement, I am dreading it. At the same time I know I need it. I am even bringing a girl friend for moral support. I have figured out how to somewhat function on a day to day basis. I have even learned how to seek out truth and revelation about my circumstance. What I haven't figured out yet is how to move forward. How to not just exist but to live. How to dream again and have joyful expectation for my future. I know I will move forward with my heart always heavy but I also don't want to remain in the gut-wrenching endless sorrow pattern of grief that my life now entails. So if there is anything that I hope to glean from tonight that is what it I am longing for. Tonight's session is titled living with grief. That's my hope. That I won't just exist with grief or be in constant mourning with grief. I want to live. I want joy and I want happiness. You only get one life and I know that I want to experience it fully and joyfully despite the fact that Milo and I will have some major hurdles to overcome in getting there. When Milo was a baby I was having a hard time towards the end of my maternity at the thought of going back to work. I decided that I wanted a little chain necklace with an M initial on it that I could run my fingers over when I missed my little boy. Joel came and took me to lunch and then the jewelry store to look for a necklace. Once we got there we found something even better. It was a necklace where they took Milo's sweet fingerprint and engraved it onto a little charm that I could wear around my neck. I was so excited to get my necklace to have with me every day. Many times throughout my day I find myself absentmindedly rubbing over the charm feeling all of the precious ridges that make Milo's fingerprint his. Side note-how cool is it that God gave us each something so uniquely ours? There are millions of people on this planet but no two fingerprints are alike. What an amazing creator He is. Back to my story. When we went to the funeral home and we were talking about different things that they had available the guy mentioned something that he called a Thumby. Turns out it is the same exact thing as what I have for Milo. When your loved one passes away they can take a print of their finger and have it engraved on a charm with their name inscribed on the back just like my sons was. I love, loved this idea. Last week my necklace charm with Joel's print came in. I carefully took off my necklace and added his charm to my sons charm. They are there together now, the prints of both my boys. Many times throughout the day I find my hand roaming to my neck to twiddle with them both. I'm so thankful to have such a special piece of both of them to wear close to and not far from where my heart beats and the deepest love that I posses remains quietly hidden and treasured forever.