The past few days have been a whirlwind. In so many ways it's hard to wrap my brain around how we even got to this place in our lives. Last week at this time Ellis' biggest problem was that she wasn't a big fan of sleeping during the nighttime. It's now Tuesday. We've been at the hospital since Friday evening. I haven't left the hospital. Haven't even really left her room. Haven't seen my son. Haven't been outdoors. It was raining the other day and I didn't even know it. It was beautiful yesterday and I had no clue. The hospital is a black hole.
Truthfully, I'm tired. I just had a baby 2 1/2 weeks ago. I've been sleeping in a hospital for days. I have a newborn girl that I can only look at but can't hold. I'm getting bad report after bad report. I'm walking through this as a single Mom without my husband here to hold my hand. I'm trying to hold my head up and stay strong but I honestly feel very weak.
Many of you have said this and I feel the same: in no way is it fair to have to walk through something like this twice. I didn't understand it with my husband and I certainly don't understand it any more with my baby girl. It seems unfair, even cruel in many ways.
All of that said, here is where I still land. God is good. It's something I know to the core of my being. Of course I've felt shaken in that belief over the past few days, I am human. Of course I feel scared and unsure and angry and an insane range of emotions on all of this. But what I want everyone to know is despite every single one of those things, I believe He is good. It doesn't always seem that way, it doesn't always feel that way, but it is truth. He didn't cause this but He can redeem it. And that's the little shred that I'm holding on to. Tightly. He is faithful. He is good.
Now for an update on Ellis. Yesterday was not our big breakthrough day but we did get two small victories. They were able to start IV nutrition for her which is good. And they were finally able to wean her off one of her medications. She has still been having seizures and they unfortunately have had to increase her meds for that. It's frustrating to see one medicine go down but then a different one have to go up. We need them all to go down one by one.
Her doctor yesterday was not very optimistic for her future, but what I've learned from past experience is few doctors are overflowing with optimism. They have to tell you all the scary worst case scenario stuff. It's so very hard for a family to hear. What I do believe is her breakthrough day is coming. Soon. There's too many people praying over this little girls life. We have an MRI coming up in the next few days that we will need a lot of prayers for, for good results.
Our prayer list really remains the same:
-We need her seizures to stop -We need swelling to decrease -We need to start seeing marked improvement on all fronts
Today is day four of the 3-4 day hump they told us at the start where they typically start to see a turn around for meningitis kiddos. We need to see some turn around for Ellis soon.
Thank you so much for all of your continued prayers. Thank you for all of your comments. I read them all. Sometimes I'm in tears in the middle of the night at the stories people leave about their children being healed from this virus. It brings me hope. Other times I'm astounded at the amount of people, from all over the world, who say they're praying for my daughter. I'm humbled by the amount of times her story has been shared and by how many people are holding her in their hearts.
This Mama thanks you, with all that I have.
Great is Thy faithfulness Great is Thy faithfulness Morning by morning new mercies I see All I have needed Thy hand hath provided Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me