Dimly

Recently, a girl in our local community died from strep and the flu. She was only five years old. 

Here one day, gone the next. 

I had prayed mightily for the Lord to heal her on this earth. When I found out she passed away I was holding my little miracle girl in my arms. 
I cried and cried.
I didn't understand why God healed my child and not theirs. 
No one should pass away just months before their sixth birthday. 
No one should have to plan a funeral for a child. 
It is the epitome of unfair. 
 
I remembered not long after Joel died, seeing a Facebook post from a friend about how they hit their five year remission from cancer. Five years is a big mark to hit because you are basically considered cured at that point, as your chances for it to return have dropped dramatically. 
As I read their post they were so thankful to the Lord for being a cancer survivor.
They should be.
Cancer is vicious and it takes many prisoners. 
I was happy for them, I truly was. 
But my question was, why would God heal them and not my husband?
We had prayed, asked and believed just as much as anyone. 
Yet he died, they lived. 
Why?
 
I wish I had the magical response for why bad things happen on this earth. I wish I understood the reasons why God shows up miraculously in some instances yet seemingly not others. 
I've walked through it twice with such different outcomes. 
Yet each outcome left me with more questions than answers. 
More and more perplexed as to the whys. 
 
My only answer is this. We see dimly. 
 
For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.
 
1 Corinthians 13:12
 
I won't know now the answers to the questions that burn in my heart, but I will. 
I'm also not God.
And being in relationship with Him doesn't mean that I understand all of His ways. 
It doesn't even mean I have to. 
There are many, many things I know will remain a mystery. 
But not forever. 
That's His promise. 
 
You may not know now, but you will. 
You may not understand now, but you will. 
You only see a part now, but there will  come a day when you will see all. 
He promises as much. 
 
I realize this is the kind of answer that drives some people crazy. 
They want facts. They want logic. 
Yet since time began, there have been always things on this earth that have defied both. 
Always have. 
Always will be. 
I can't discount everything I don't understand, just as I can't bank on everything I think I know.
 
There's nothing in this life that makes absolute 100% sense, without question. 
There's no spiritual reason for why Joel died. 
Just like there's no scientific reason for why Ellis lived. 
Both defy logic.
 
Outcomes don't always turn out the way we hoped or imagined. 
Sometimes they are gut-wrenching. 
Sometimes they are awe-inspiring. 
 
I could wrack my brain a million times over trying to understand. 
Trust me I have. 
In the end, I'm always led back to the beginning. 
Faith.
 
Faith that one day all things will be revealed and made new. 
Faith that every question will be answered. 
Faith that every tear that has been collected will be redeemed. 
Faith that everything this world and sickness has robbed from me, the Lord will return. 
In His goodness. 
In His mercy.  
 
I don't pretend that always makes it easier here in this life. 
This life that brings heartache, worry, doubt, frustration. 
There's much to work through, heal from. 
It's a long journey, one I never thought I would have to endure. 
Yet along with all those things, there's hope. 
And that hope carries me. 
It's the one thing that can. 
 
I know I don't understand it all now. 
But I only see dimly. 
In part. 
One day I will see face to face. 
And see all. 
 
One day I will know. 
 
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