This ones a hard one to write about, but I want to write about it. I want to write it down and commit it to memory so I don't forget. My brain is foggy these days and there's so much I have a hard time remembering. My son doesn't talk about his Daddy much anymore. He used to. He used to point to pictures and ask about him. Somewhere along the way he realized there must not be a reason to ask anymore. That makes me so very sad. I can't imagine what it's like for your hero to be in your life one day only to then vanish without a trace. I'll never know how many questions his little heart has struggled to understand.
After his bath a couple nights ago he got out of the tub and sat in my lap. He then pointed to the framed pictures I have of Joel in my bathroom and said "Dadda. Dadda." Each time he says those words my heart fills with both heartbreak and delight. The delight comes from the fact that he remembers his father and knows who he is. The heartbreak is for obvious reasons that his father is no longer here. Not knowing what to say I just told him "Yes buddy, that's Dadda. We love Dadda so much." Then he pointed again and said "Dadda". So I told him "Let's tell Dadda how much we love him". I raised my head upward towards the sky and yelled out "We love you Dadda, we love you!!" Then, my precious son, lifted his sweet little face to the ceiling with some words of his own to say. "Bye bye Dadda. Bye bye." He then turned and have me a huge hug. I froze in place. That's the first time my son has in any way acknowledged his Daddy being gone or showing an understanding of his Daddy not coming back. Tears spilled over my cheeks. My heart shattered into a million pieces for him. My son, at such a young age, has lost so much. No one should never lose their Father in their first year of life. No one.
Milo, I know there's a high chance you will read this some day so I want to speak directly to you. You may not remember your Father now but there was a time you did. You remembered every hug, every kiss, every book he read and every time you played together. I wish there was a way I could capture all of those memories in a bottle and give it to you at a later time, so it remained in your memory forever. Your Daddy told me once he loved giving you your last bottle of the day because that's when he would talk to you and tell you all of the things he couldn't wait to do with you like "throwing a ball, going to play laser tag, watching movies and playing video games." He told me that he promised you he would be there to watch you grow up. You need to know he did everything he could to keep that promise. He loved you more than life and he wanted to be in your life more than anything. I'm sorry you had to learn at such a young age that life certainly isn't fair, and sometimes life is downright heartbreaking. My promise to you is to always talk about your Daddy. I promise you will always know what an amazing man he was. In so many ways you are just like him. Don't ever doubt how much he loved you. Don't ever doubt you will see him again. Try to close your eyes and dream about what an amazing moment that will be, when we are all together again one day. I do it all the time. You were our miracle baby and brought here for a purpose. God has a purpose for or lives, even in our deepest loss, He is always in control. I will always be here to tell you stories about your Daddy and to laugh when you need to laugh and cry when you need to cry. And if you need to shout your love for your Daddy to the sky I'm your girl for that one too. Because of what you have lost you will grow up being stronger than you could ever imagine. We will both find a way to rise. And I know that your Daddy will be cheering us both on, every step of the way. Your Daddy loved you deeply and your Mommy always will too.