Last week I talked about having a bad day. What I didn't realize that is it would be more like a bad week. By the time I got to my session with my counselor I was almost in panic mode with how dark of a place I had gone to in such a short amount of time. She assured me that is just how grief operates. You move 2 steps forward and sometimes 10 steps backwards. I remember my very first counseling session I was asked how I was doing. She listened quietly as I rattled off all of the ways that I was hurting but all of the ways that I was doing "ok". She then politely informed me that I was in shock. I remember thinking that couldn't be correct. I felt, during that time, that I was feeling my pain very vividly and deeply. I had no clue that I absolutely was in shock and the pain I was feeling then was nothing compared to what was to come. While the rest of the world gets to move on I do not. I am finding out I'm just now wading into some very deep waters of grief. They aren't kidding when they tell you it will be a long, difficult and excruciating process. There are so many layers and so many things that complicate it. It affects every part of your life in big and even small ways. An example of this is even in shopping for a dress. I have an event coming up where I need a formal dress. I went all over town looking but couldn't find anything which means I ended up at the one place I didn't want to be-David's Bridal. I tried to put my blinders on and ignore the giddy brides-to-be as I made a beeline for the formal dresses. It was a hard moment. That evening I was putting something in a drawer and what do I see? My wedding album. I haven't looked at that thing in over a year but after the day I had it seemed appropriate. So I sat crossed legged on the floor and turned the pages slowly letting each memory hit me fully and completely. That was a hard moment too. I remember what an incredible day my wedding was. I was full of so many hopes and dreams for my husband and my future just like all of the giddy brides were at the bridal shop. I never in a million years thought it would end this way. No one ever does. Last night I was bathing my son and he was being a little ornery and splashing around. I asked him to stop but he was having too much fun to do so. Once he did I looked him in the eyes and said "Buddy, you are going to have to take it easy on your Mom. You have to listen to me when I ask you things. You have to be a good boy. It's just you and me kiddo." I pulled him straight out of the tub to dry him off and he did something he's never done when I take him out. He laid his head on my shoulder and gave me a long, long hug. It was like he understood exactly what I was saying and his hug was his reassurance "I know it's me and you Mommy but we're going to be ok." It hasn't felt like it many times recently but in my heart of hearts I know the truth-we will somehow get to ok.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10