It rained that day, the one after my husband died. It felt good, the rain. Fitting somehow. The weather outside reflected my inside; dark, moody, dreary, gray. As the water fell and soiled the earth so did my endless rivers of tears. We were one and the same.
I was livid that day and the many thereafter. It simply wasn't fair that he was gone. It hurt so badly. Pain. The kind of pain there aren't words for, the kind I never knew could exist.
As the rain fell, heavily, it was a physical manifestation of my broken heart inside. In that moment it felt as if Heaven was weeping for me. That's because Heaven was.
Death was not ever supposed to be. Just as injustice, hatred, division, poverty, loss, disease wasn't either. It is all the result of the fallen world in which we live.
We have a Creator who gave His creation choice. Because love isn't love if it isn't free-will. He gave us that free-will, from the beginning.
Since that moment we as human beings have taken our very free-will and used it in sometimes powerful, sometimes horrific ways.
Still freedom is ours, as is the choice of what to do with that freedom. Sometimes our choices have ramifications for others and even ourselves. That's the sad reality.
He in love still gave, allowing us our freedom, waiting patiently for the moment we realized our complete and utter need for a Savior.
When tragedy strikes and we no longer want to continue in independence all of the sudden we want to know where He is, where He was.
He was always there. He never left.
He weeps when this fallen world shows its fallenness. He weeps when a broken world shows its brokenness. And He is there in every moment, even when we might not feel His nearness.
Heaven cried with me that day, and the many days that followed. Because it is not the way He ever intended life to be.
Sometimes things just happen. Not always for a reason and not always in His "plan". Sometimes life is messy and certainly unfair.
Along with a Savior we were also given a Redeemer. One who takes this mess of a world and brings order to our chaos.
He doesn't create the bad for the good, He uses the bad FOR our good.
His promise is to take that which doesn't make sense and use it, to redeem and restore it. To make every ash beautiful and to wrong every right. To make all things new. ALL things.
In times of pain, fear and sadness our answer is to move towards Him and not away. Boldly leaning into the truth of who He is.
His goodness. His mercy. It follows us.